CHESTBURSTERS

The Doctor

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 07:12:08 -0800

i love u said the doctor
why said the man
because i do.

Aziz Ansari says love is "elusive and sadly ephemeral" in this interview with the AV Club (but he says it in such a funny, charming way).

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 07:23:12 -0800

Aziz Ansari says love is "elusive and sadly ephemeral" in this interview with the AV Club (but he says it in such a funny, charming way).

Maria Bamford on dating and crouching, naked in the shower.

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 12:27:00 -0800

Maria Bamford on dating and crouching, naked in the shower.

How could I attract my crush in school?

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 14:50:00 -0800

This is a picture of how to flirt in your school library.

Okay, Nony-mou, let’s get into this:

In your question, you refer to yourself as “I”. Let me come back at you with another question: who are you? And by this I mean, what makes you you as opposed to someone else? In other words, in what ways are you distinct from other social entities? This notion of the “self” has troubled philosophers throughout the ages so we’re probably not going to get to the bottom of this here. But let’s take a stab at it, shall we?

First off, how can we be sure that you exist? Well, this one’s pretty easy. René Descartes famously wrote: “I think, therefore I am” which of course implies the autonomy of the self in relation to its social and physical contexts. It also suggests that the act of contemplating one’s existence is in itself proof of existence. To put it a slightly different way, you are thinking about your crush, therefore you probably exist (at least according to Descartes).

Or do you? Some more contemporary theorists have pointed to the “loss of self” in the postmodern milieu. In this context, the self is fluid, relational, and ever-changing. Whereas the classical modernist self was fixed, autonomous, and owned by the individual, the postmodern narrative self is created and recreated through our interactions, through the stories we are constantly telling ourselves and each other. I hate to tell you this Nony-mou, but your use of the word “I” just got a whole lot more complicated.

Anyways, this is getting a little long and I’m getting kind of tired of looking up “The Self in Philosophy” on About.com, so is it okay if I get to the rest of your question next week? Great!

But really, really, all joking aside, I think you should just smile at your crush. Like a lot. People like it. Crushes like it. It’s a good starting point. Go get ‘em, tiger!!!

#shitty philosophy #crush advice #painful crushes #descartes

Photo

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 19:25:46 -0800

Photo

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:19:37 -0700

On Crushes, Keats, and Pez Dispenser Bodies

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 20:14:00 -0700

Kindly submitted by one J.M. Farr.

I have kept silent long enough.

Too long have I heard the false sighs; the cheap heartache; the empty anguish. Dear Chestburstiers, I ask you to reconsider the credentials of your famed advocate, the so-called “romantic” Anna Wilkinson. She has been dishonest with you, dear readers. The self-narrative she presents through the mouthpiece of this blog is one of an innocent and unrequited crush-champion.

She is a fraud. I know this as I know my own soul, dear readers. For, once upon a time, she was the object of my own secret and anxious admiration.

I was a young man in the throes of puberty. While I had quickly grown to an impressive height, my flight skyward was decidedly Icarian. My face remained babyish, and for several years I resembled a life-size PEZ dispenser, my round dumb head bobbing senselessly on a tall and incompatible frame.

It was during these years that I met Anna.

My sister had moved to Montreal for school, and I quickly made a habit of monthly pilgrimages to this eldest sib, taking in the cheap breakfasts and “crumbling urban splendor” that defined the fair city. My sister moved around quite a bit, eventually settling in a two-story apartment in the St. Henri neighbourhood. The apartment was huge and required roommates. This is where Anna enters the picture, a new friend of my sister’s: she of the dark eyes and hair, she of the cute petite stature. I was, almost instantly, totally crushing.

Anna, as a crush, was enigmatic and volatile. Unlike many popular crush choices, Anna was neither suave, nor terrifying, nor gilded in an unapproachable sheen. Perhaps I am a pioneer among the Chestburstiers in that I actually had conversations with my former crush. Several, as a matter of fact. I would awkwardly make jokes; she would awkwardly laugh—it was heavenly. The reek of desperation must have grown hard to ignore, however, for soon I began to sense that she realized my true crush objectives. (I don’t really even know what these were. Do any of us? It seems to me best here to refer to Keats: “forever wilt thou love and she be fair”).

Whatever could have been unconscious about the crush had now become painfully heightened, and self-aware. The encounters were no longer awkward simply by virtue of us both being awkward people. I was crushing: I knew it, she knew it, and the very air bore witness, becoming heavy and humid like a clammy palm.

This, readers, is the crux of the issue: Anna is not one of you; she is not like us. She is everything we fear: she is a crushee. My crush on her may have been benign, painless, and unique, but it was a crush nonetheless. She has felt and known the weight of my fondness upon her soul, and yet continues to play dress-up as queen of crush.

I respectfully demand her resignation, as well as an agreement that neither of us will ever speak of this again oh god I’m so embarrassed.

-J.M. Farr

Editor’s Note: Dear Mr. Farr, a couple points of clarification:

Firstly, I WILL WATCH YOU BURN IN HELL BEFORE I RESIGN FROM ADMINISTERING THIS BLOG.

Secondly, thank you so much for your submission! It was sincere and funny, lovely and charmingly self-deprecating. But there, I feel embarrassed now and must retire to my shame-den. (We most certainly will not speak of this again).

Chestburstingly,

"You, had a green goatee, and no pants. A cow patterned blazer, No shirt. Sicc tatts."

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 17:43:55 -0700

“You, had a green goatee, and no pants. A cow patterned blazer, No shirt. Sicc tatts.”

- The best Craigslist missed connections from Burning Man. (via theatlantic)

Public Arts, Secret Crushes The other day my friend Marisa...

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 17:36:00 -0700

Public Arts, Secret Crushes

The other day my friend Marisa Chandler told me about an awesome little board at the corner of Gore and Union where you can write about your secret crushes. So, on one of the hottest days of the summer so far, I decided to bike down and check it out. I arrived appropriately sweaty and slightly nervous.

Once I worked up the courage to talk to Ron, the very nice, tattooed man who runs the art studio at 751 Gore, I found out that he started the board as a monument to one special girl and that it blossomed into a space for passersby to confess their own forbidden loves. Ron confided that if his secret crush ever came by and saw her name, he would DENY EVERYTHING. So perfect.

I highly recommend visiting the art space and maybe even admitting to your crush on the “donut man” or “Monty 777.”

In which Keanu’s milkshake possibly does not bring all the...

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 08:26:42 -0700

In which Keanu’s milkshake possibly does not bring all the boys to the yard.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating Mark Hamill

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 08:22:59 -0700

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating Mark Hamill

Messages to Past, Present, and Future Crushes

Sun, 13 May 2012 08:44:28 -0700

Messages to Past, Present, and Future Crushes

When Your Dream Lovers Die - Townes Van Zandt

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 13:06:41 -0700

When Your Dream Lovers Die - Townes Van Zandt

iwdrm: “He’s the exact opposite of everything I really...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:07:52 -0700

iwdrm:

“He’s the exact opposite of everything I really hate.”

Ghost World (2001)

Happy Valentine's Day, Darlings!

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 07:51:00 -0800

In honour of this most special day I bring you a shit load of love advice. There’s something for everyone:

Relationship advice for people who like (or tolerate) Michael Ian Black
Advice for middle school girls who want boyfriends (sample: “try saying ‘hhhheeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy’ and give him a wink in the hallway”)
And finally, crush advice for teens who want to hear from a variety of experts including a 10-year-old girl and Ira Glass

HVD and good luck, lovelies!

so i've had a crush on this boy for a year, but, i've only 'known' him half a year. at the beginning of the school year we were put in the same french class. i've hung out with him once. his best friend lives near me. he knows my best friend more than me, so he talks to her, but ignores me and shyly turns away. but i always catch him looking at me, and he always acts shy, or even loud, when i'm around. he's quite a shy person though, and maybe he acts like that because he knows i like him? HELP

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:14:00 -0800

Mmm hmmmmm, I get you, A-NO. What you’re really asking is how your story fits into a broader cultural narrative of romantic love, amirite? Well, let me say some stuff about that!

Movies and television shows are filled with characters who must overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles (like shyness or living in a weird lake house) to find true love. Overcoming these obstacles can take weeks, months, or even years. With all this yearning and pining is it any wonder that some of us become painful crush junkies?

Take for example The X-Files. Agents Mulder and Scully had one of the greatest will-they-or-won’t-they television love stories of our time (Proof? So many weird Youtube montages). Somehow, the longer they put off revealing their feelings, the more their story resonated in our nerd-hearts. WE COULD NOT GET ENOUGH.

(Source: human-activities)

Our addiction to complicated courtships doesn’t end with The X-Files. Swiss writer Alain de Botton suggests that romantic literature, with its emphasis on aching after a distant lover, just validates our painful crush tendencies.

He states:

This focus on unrequitedness is of course a great solace for the lovelorn. It means that their feelings are continually heightened and confirmed by what they read. They are trained to dwell on, and even celebrate, the bitter-sweet sensations of waiting for a phone call and microwaving meals-for-one.

Of course, unlike our favourite characters we aren’t always rewarded at the end of a painful crush. And, since love stories usually end when the couple gets together they leave us totally unprepared for what happens after someone does reciprocate our feelings.

Soooooo, all you need to do is cut back on all the Goethe you’ve been reading and stop streaming The X-Files and go talk to this guy. Does this help? Okay, great!

Peeeaaaace,

ilovecharts: A Map of the Open Country of a Woman’s Heart D. W....

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:30:00 -0800

ilovecharts:

A Map of the Open Country of a Woman’s Heart D. W. Kellogg, c. 1833–1842

Messages to Past, Present, and Future Crushes

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 08:44:00 -0800

Messages to Past, Present, and Future Crushes

(via Shelf Life)

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:55:00 -0800

(via Shelf Life)

EMILY ASKED:

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 15:22:00 -0800

so there’s this guy. and my feelings for him grow with each day. we talk on a daily basis, during the two classes we have together, but were not particularly close. However, i feel like i know him..well enough to find everything about him as a person absolutely amazing. i can find the beauty everything he does and i never really stop thinking about him.

but hes been in a relationship for a very long time. but the only way anyone would ever know they were together was if they checked his facebook relationship status because theyre never together and he turns his back toward(literally) any sort of conversation about her. everyone ive told about my crush on him say that shes terrible to him and that they want us together. but im not really one for ruining a longterm relationship.

theres also another problem. he likes all of the same types of music as me(hardcore, metal) but he LOOKS like your average jock, and im a little punk kid and i LOOK like a punk kid. i cant help but feel like that would get in the way. So this crush is getting to be painful. i find something special in everything about this boy and he has no idea. this fact is beginning to bug me but ive no idea what to do. help?

Alright Emily, first let’s focus on the last part of your story. Here’s a question for you: Do you feel like you understand this boy even though you come from two very different worlds?

Because if the answer is yes, then I think I’ve heard this story before. You know who else had amazing communication despite dressing differently and having seemingly insurmountable obstacles? THESE GUYS:

To sum it up, Dathon (wrinklehead) is a Tamarian, an alien race that only speaks in allegories. When the Enterprise encounters Dathon and his crew they can’t understand each other. In order to facilitate inter-species communication, Dathon beams Picard down to a planet where they have to go beyond words and work together to defeat a common foe.

Now, I’m not saying that your situations are EXACTLY the same. Alls I’m saying is that you might want to watch this clip a few more times and appreciate the special bond that happens when two people find a common language (in this case the language of extended metaphors and mythological references). Did Picard and the alien dude get hung up on the fact that they looked different and that one of them had very large nostrils and a wrinkly forehead? No they didn’t.

My advice for the “he has a girlfriend” part of your dilemma? Keep being his friend. Ask him about his relationship and find out exactly what the deal is there. If he’s in a shitty relationship he’ll hopefully realize that on his own and end it eventually. And once he does he might just fall for the person who’s been treating him with respect and who has impressive knowledge of Star Trek the Next Generation. YOU!