The guy's a senior, and I'm a junior.
He's graduating this year. When we hugged goodbye at our meeting yesterday, he said that he was really glad he met me this year, ect. Then I asked if he wanted to get lunch with me this Friday. He asked what time, and I said that anytime would work since I don't have class on Fridays. He replied that this Friday might not work so well for him, but that we could do it next week and that we'll keep in touch via email.
Was his reply basically a no?
Should I ask him again next week, or should I wait for him to ask (if he does)?
We’re gonna fess up here, gentle readers, we received this message nearly three years ago. What can we say, sometimes we just get really busy. For instance, M. has been busy waiting for the past three years for her crush to respond to her text message which simply read “Hey, what’s up?” While A. has been waiting for her crush to look at her while riding the same bus every morning for the past three years.
Anyways, you asked us if you should email your crush or if you should wait for him to write first. Well, either way, we’re sorry to say, you’re going to be waiting.
According to Roland Barthes, the French semiotician and author of A Lover’s Discourse, waiting is part and parcel of being in love:
“Am I in love? —yes, since I am waiting. The other one never waits. Sometimes I want to play the part of the one who doesn’t wait; I try to busy myself elsewhere, to arrive late; but I always lose at this game. Whatever I do, I find myself there, with nothing to do, punctual, even ahead of time. The lover’s fatal identity is precisely this: I am the one who waits.”
Love, waiting. Waiting, love. Seems like these are one and the same. So, you can email or not email but either way it’s you as the “crusher”who will be waiting. Waiting for what Barthes would call a “promised sign”:
"I am waiting for an arrival, a return, a promised sign. This can be futile, or immensely pathetic: in Erwartung (Waiting), a woman waits for her lover, at night, in the forest; I am waiting for no more than a telephone call, but the anxiety is the same.”
In this case your promised sign is an email not a phone call but we would say the anxiety is still the same. And you’re gonna have to deal with moderate amounts of shame as well. Sorry, man.
A + M
Ps. But seriously, we hope you just sent him an email three years ago. If you haven’t, just do it now. It won’t be weird.
You know, Anonymous, day in and day out we receive tortured, lovelorn questions of exactly this nature. And it’s hard, we’re not gonna lie. It takes a toll on us.
In fact, sometimes we feel like the title character from Nathanael West’s short story “Miss Lonelyhearts” where all of the questions the main character receives in his job as a newspaper advice columnist are alike, that is, “stamped from the dough of suffering, with a heart-shaped cookie knife.” In the story, Miss Lonelyhearts becomes paralyzed by the pain of desperate New Yorkers writing to him for advice on a daily basis.
After a period of extreme depression and physical illness Miss Lonelyhearts achieves a kind of religious enlightenment. Coincidentally, this has also happened to us! From our lofty yet humble position of prophet-like grace, we feel that it’s best if we no longer give direct advice but rather, we have decided to simply smile serenely into our computer screens. Can you feel it? Can you feel us smiling serenely?
A + M
Ps. But seriously, you really can tell if someone likes you from the way that they smile at you. They often get this dopey expression in their eyes. And then they look away in terror when they notice you noticing them. That’s a sure fire way of figuring out if someone likes you.
pano ko po malalaman kung crush ako ng crush ko? actually po, nag kakatinginan kame pero hnggang dun na lang yon. one time nginitian nya ko i feel so loved agad, crush na crush ko po sya and he is my school mate. will you please help me?
With a little bit of effort on our part, we figured out that you were writing in Filipino. We popped your question into Google Translate and were very pleased with the results:
Please know what should I do if I crush crush? actually sorry, you kakatinginan meat but just dun hnggang Yon. One time I smiled at her I feel so loved right away, please crush crush she and he is my school mate. will you please help me?
Here’s our answer, fully Google Translated for your reading pleasure:
Kaya ka talaga “vibing" gamit ang iyong kamag-aaral, hey? Mula sa kung ano ang maaari naming magtipon mula sa Google mahusay na, kung bahagyang mala-tula, pagsasaling-wika, mayroon kang isang crush kung sino ang "vibing" may ibang tao ngunit tumugon siya ay positibo sa iyong friendly na "vibing.”
Okay, mabuti iyan. Sa tingin namin na dapat mong “step up your vibes” kung alam mo kung ano ang ibig sabihin namin. Kung hindi, ang Google Translate ito.
I've had a huge crush on one of my friends for over a year. Recently i went to see the hobbit with a bunch of friends. We got into the theater, then everyone but him suddenly had to "go to the bathroom." I knew exactly what they were up to, but he was oblivious. They didn't come back and he was a bit worried, but then the film started. It was pretty much 3 hours of us leaning on each other and just overall oh my god do you like me closeness ? I'm so confused bc he hasn't said anything about it ?
First of all, three hours of leaning? That’s awesome. You guys basically had sexual intercourse. Because really, leaning rules. One time, I leaned into this guy for like, five hours. It was pretty intense.
A + M
Ps. But seriously, we think that the three hours of leaning is a really good sign that he likes you too. So if you wanted to just tell him that you like him, you have our approval. If you want to go for a more subtle approach, try getting into another leaning situation. Schindler’s List is a pretty long movie, that might be a good choice.
Okay, so I am crushing on a girl in school, we are like best friends so we talk a lot. From that, I know that she likes another dude in school, who is okay, nothing against him. What Freaking Do?
Excellent question: What. Freaking. Do. Now this is a question that we can really sink our teeth into.
Okay, so, you begin the question with the word “what.” This is a very common way of phrasing a question. You also end the question with a question mark which is also a very common way of indicating that you’re asking a question.
Now for the tricky part: Freaking Do. Freaking Do? Do Freaking? By freaking, do you mean the definition that Milton introduced in Lycidas in 1637: to fleck, streak, or variegate?
Following this definition, you’re probably enquiring about the colour or pattern of something, possibly your ‘do (as in hairdo)? Are we right? Is this right? If so, excellent question.
But, maybe you are using the definition derived from the Old English, frīcian, to dance? In that case, you’d be asking what kind of dance moves would potentially attract your crush? If so, also an excellent question.
A + M
Ps. But seriously, don’t freak out. Do you get the sense that she might like you romantically? Because if you get that feeling, you’re way ahead of any “okay dude.” Test the waters. Dip your toes in. Skip a couple rocks. Maybe you could ask her out on a date-like hangout to a body of water and see how she responds.
hello! ok so I am in a bit of a pickle.. I am attracted to a boy both physically and personality wise. I am 16 and he will be 15 in a month. I usually don't sweat age differences so that's not my issue. the problem is.. he's one of my best friends' little brothers. we met on New Year's Eve this year and from the first time we saw each other, we clicked. I think my friend picked up on it a bit... but what should I do?! help :(
Hey Anonymous, that is a bit of a pickle. Luckily, here at Chestbursters we love a good pickle!
You’re right, we don’t think you need to sweat the age difference.
Did you know that Woody Allen began a relationship with the adopted daughter of his then-wife Mia Farrow, Soon-Yi, in the early 90s and they’re still together? They were 37 years apart. That’s a pretty big age difference. Do you think Woody Allen sweated it? No, he didn’t. He just said, “The heart wants what it wants.” And if your heart wants the younger brother of your friend then that’s fine. Just fine.
Do you know who else had a big age difference? Harold and Maude of the hit movie Harold and Maude. She was 79 and he was around 20. That’s a 59 year age difference! No sweating there. Now that was a woman who knew how to live life to the fullest and how to teach a young man how to do the same.
Does this answer your question? Great!
A + M
Ps. But seriously, we think you should just try to hang out with your friend and her brother together and see how that goes. Don’t worry about making any moves just yet. You’ll be able to gauge the situation if you spend time around both of them.
I like this guy and my friend knows him. I'm too shy too tell him I like him and I'd rather have my friend tell him. How should she tell him I like him? This is goin to happen tomorrow. xx thanks
Here’s our advice:
Step One - Paint a portrait of him. Step Two - Have your friend scale the wall of his five storey house and sneak into his room at night. Step Three - Tell her to transport his sleeping body from his bed onto a gurney. It’s easy. But be sure to tell her to be extra careful not to wake or startle him.
Step Four - Roll the gurney to a secluded place where the painting is. Step Five - Wait for him to wake up and have her ask for his number.
Just kidding, sneaking into his room at night is illegal. You should actually have your friend kidnap him from his workplace. Just kidding, that’s also totally illegal!
A + M
Ps. But seriously, you should try to tell him yourself. Maybe you can write him a note and get your friend to give it to him so you’re expressing your feelings in your own words. But ultimately, it would be best if you told him in person yourself even though it’s very nerve-racking (we know). Good luck tomorrow!
hi! you see, i really like this guy. i'd do anything just to get noticed by him. i really want to be his friend, but i'm very shy. the main problem is that he lives on the other side of the world. the only i can connect with him is through social networking sites. can you please give me any advice? thank you :)
You’ve come to the right place! Here at Chestbursters we love social networking websites.
So you’re shy? Our number one piece of advice for you is to never communicate with him directly. Facebook is great for this.
But you’re probably a teen which means you don’t use Facebook; maybe you use Twitter, or Snapchat, or Instagram, or Yahoo Answers, or Ask Jeeves, or your Sony Ericsson Cedar Phone, or your Samsung Denim™ (Aio Wireless) Flip Phone, or Canada411.ca, or snail mail, or stork mail, or carrier pigeon mail, or (and we admit that this is kind of unlikely) a dog sled mail delivery team.
But (and we cannot stress this enough) we are not teens, so all we know how to use is Facebook. Please deal with it. Here’s all the Facebook wisdom we’ve compiled over the years:
You want him to know that you’re hilarious, so only post photos of yourself where you look disgusting, such as after you’ve had your morning cry while crouching in the shower or while you have your mouth wrapped around the full girth of a Meatball Marinara Subway sandwich.
Remember, people only like you when you’re happy so be super positive in all status updates. For example, you can simply write I’M SO HAPPY. There’s no mistaking what that means. He’ll get the message.
You want him to know that you have a lot in common so find photos of yourself where you look a lot like him physically. You can even dress like him. Post these to your timeline and tag him in them. It’s really easy.
When you get a chance could you answer some of our questions? How do you make Instagram? How do you apply for SnapChat? What is stork mail, anyways? Please tell us, we’d really appreciate it.
A + M
Ps. But seriously, you can just try writing him a note or sending him a funny link. You might find yourself with a pen pal and get to know a little bit about each other in the process.
This is a picture of how to flirt in your school library.
Okay, Nony-mou, let’s get into this:
In your question, you refer to yourself as “I”. Let me come back at you with another question: who are you? And by this I mean, what makes you you as opposed to someone else? In other words, in what ways are you distinct from other social entities? This notion of the “self” has troubled philosophers throughout the ages so we’re probably not going to get to the bottom of this here. But let’s take a stab at it, shall we?
First off, how can we be sure that you exist? Well, this one’s pretty easy. René Descartes famously wrote: “I think, therefore I am” which of course implies the autonomy of the self in relation to its social and physical contexts. It also suggests that the act of contemplating one’s existence is in itself proof of existence. To put it a slightly different way, you are thinking about your crush, therefore you probably exist (at least according to Descartes).
Or do you? Some more contemporary theorists have pointed to the “loss of self” in the postmodern milieu. In this context, the self is fluid, relational, and ever-changing. Whereas the classical modernist self was fixed, autonomous, and owned by the individual, the postmodern narrative self is created and recreated through our interactions, through the stories we are constantly telling ourselves and each other. I hate to tell you this Nony-mou, but your use of the word “I” just got a whole lot more complicated.
Anyways, this is getting a little long and I’m getting kind of tired of looking up “The Self in Philosophy” on About.com, so is it okay if I get to the rest of your question next week? Great!
But really, really, all joking aside, I think you should just smile at your crush. Like a lot. People like it. Crushes like it. It’s a good starting point. Go get ‘em, tiger!!!
Too long have I heard the false sighs; the cheap heartache; the empty anguish. Dear Chestburstiers, I ask you to reconsider the credentials of your famed advocate, the so-called “romantic” Anna Wilkinson. She has been dishonest with you, dear readers. The self-narrative she presents through the mouthpiece of this blog is one of an innocent and unrequited crush-champion.
She is a fraud. I know this as I know my own soul, dear readers. For, once upon a time, she was the object of my own secret and anxious admiration.
so i've had a crush on this boy for a year, but, i've only 'known' him half a year. at the beginning of the school year we were put in the same french class. i've hung out with him once. his best friend lives near me. he knows my best friend more than me, so he talks to her, but ignores me and shyly turns away. but i always catch him looking at me, and he always acts shy, or even loud, when i'm around. he's quite a shy person though, and maybe he acts like that because he knows i like him? HELP
Mmm hmmmmm, I get you, A-NO. What you’re really asking is how your story fits into a broader cultural narrative of romantic love, amirite? Well, let me say some stuff about that!
Movies and television shows are filled with characters who must overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles (like shyness or living in a weird lake house) to find true love. Overcoming these obstacles can take weeks, months, or even years. With all this yearning and pining is it any wonder that some of us become painful crush junkies?
Take for example The X-Files. Agents Mulder and Scully had one of the greatest will-they-or-won’t-they television love stories of our time (Proof? So manyweirdYoutubemontages). Somehow, the longer they put off revealing their feelings, the more their story resonated in our nerd-hearts. WE COULD NOT GET ENOUGH.
Our addiction to complicated courtships doesn’t end with The X-Files. Swiss writer Alain de Botton suggests that romantic literature, with its emphasis on aching after a distant lover, just validates our painful crush tendencies.
This focus on unrequitedness is of course a great solace for the lovelorn. It means that their feelings are continually heightened and confirmed by what they read. They are trained to dwell on, and even celebrate, the bitter-sweet sensations of waiting for a phone call and microwaving meals-for-one.
Of course, unlike our favourite characters we aren’t always rewarded at the end of a painful crush. And, since love stories usually end when the couple gets together they leave us totally unprepared for what happens after someone does reciprocate our feelings.
Soooooo, all you need to do is cut back on all the Goethe you’ve been reading and stop streaming TheX-Files and go talk to this guy. Does this help? Okay, great!
so there’s this guy. and my feelings for him grow with each day. we talk on a daily basis, during the two classes we have together, but were not particularly close. However, i feel like i know him..well enough to find everything about him as a person absolutely amazing. i can find the beauty everything he does and i never really stop thinking about him.
but hes been in a relationship for a very long time. but the only way anyone would ever know they were together was if they checked his facebook relationship status because theyre never together and he turns his back toward(literally) any sort of conversation about her. everyone ive told about my crush on him say that shes terrible to him and that they want us together. but im not really one for ruining a longterm relationship.
theres also another problem. he likes all of the same types of music as me(hardcore, metal) but he LOOKS like your average jock, and im a little punk kid and i LOOK like a punk kid. i cant help but feel like that would get in the way. So this crush is getting to be painful. i find something special in everything about this boy and he has no idea. this fact is beginning to bug me but ive no idea what to do. help?
Alright Emily, first let’s focus on the last part of your story. Here’s a question for you: Do you feel like you understand this boy even though you come from two very different worlds?
Because if the answer is yes, then I think I’ve heard this story before. You know who else had amazing communication despite dressing differently and having seemingly insurmountable obstacles? THESE GUYS:
To sum it up, Dathon (wrinklehead) is a Tamarian, an alien race that only speaks in allegories. When the Enterprise encounters Dathon and his crew they can’t understand each other. In order to facilitate inter-species communication, Dathon beams Picard down to a planet where they have to go beyond words and work together to defeat a common foe.
Now, I’m not saying that your situations are EXACTLY the same. Alls I’m saying is that you might want to watch this clip a few more times and appreciate the special bond that happens when two people find a common language (in this case the language of extended metaphors and mythological references). Did Picard and the alien dude get hung up on the fact that they looked different and that one of them had very large nostrils and a wrinkly forehead? No they didn’t.
My advice for the “he has a girlfriend” part of your dilemma? Keep being his friend. Ask him about his relationship and find out exactly what the deal is there. If he’s in a shitty relationship he’ll hopefully realize that on his own and end it eventually. And once he does he might just fall for the person who’s been treating him with respect and who has impressive knowledge of Star Trek the Next Generation. YOU!
The following story was submitted by Amelia Epp, artist, art educator extraordinaire, and all-around lovely lady. Read her fantastic blog here.
This past winter I was in between living situations, and ended up staying with my mom in family housing at Simon Fraser University for a month. In addition to being run-down, austere, concrete structures, the SFU residences are located on a campus at the top of a mountain, isolated from and at least 10 degrees colder than the surrounding city. Not surprisingly, this winning combination has not been a recipe for happiness in my life. And unfortunately, this was not my first experience with the dreaded SFU student residences - I had first moved into them about 10 years prior, as a first year undergrad.
Living on campus once again, I was constantly reminded of my previous experiences there. Rounding each corner on campus reminded me of encounters, routines, and emotions that I had long since forgotten. As I was walking down a cold, damp, concrete corridor one night I was struck by a distinct smell, which I remembered clearly.
More than any visual cue on campus, this smell conjured up in me the memory of the loneliness I had experienced in my first years at SFU. And more specifically, it was for me the smell of “I want a boyfriend”. It was at this point that I was officially reacquainted with my rather shy and awkward 18-year-old self. I clearly remembered walking through the campus observing couples, channeling all of my wishes for friendship, companionship, and affection into the singular wish to find a boyfriend.
It was a relief to move away from campus after my one month stint, leaving behind lonesome smells and awkward ghosts of past selves.
P.s. I am now happily married to a fellow SFU alumnus. I found him five years after my first move away from the SFU residences. We did not meet on the SFU campus.
Oh hi again, this is a link to something I wrote for the Museum of Vancouver blog. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s an interview with writer and comedian Charlie Demers and I think you’re probably going to like it!). It’s also posted on the Vancouver is Awesome website.
One Year Anniversary of the Chestbursters Art Show
Oh hi there. It’s been exactly a year since the Chestbursters exhibit, and even though a lot has changed you’ll be pleased to know we’re still having just as many, if not more, painful crushes. WE’LL NEVER STOP.
In honor of our anniversary we’re posting photos and script from a performance art piece by the chestburstingly fabulous, Munirih Campbell. Drawing inspiration from childhood memories, letters, and handmade clothing, she explores her own very personal history of painful crushes.
Keep making art out of heartache dear Chestburstees, and we’ll catch you on the interwerbz,
A + M
I know this is verging on harassment to send you a third letter, but I have decided that I want to anyway.
1989 Helen Dixon Elementary School, Monsieur Pulen, Grade 1
Shanty gave me a pretty red jean mini skirt and I wore it to school. Saw my teacher looking at me I crossed my legs Desperately shy, Stubbornly shy Lost all my friends Why was I the target?
My dad is 6’8” Can’t bend my head back far enough to actually see if there are ears on the sides of his head Probably not there I know he has a mouth because all I can hear is him
I refuse to be the target ever again Men have power So, I will become one I wear only over-sized tee shirts and sweat pants all year round Running shoes like my brothers are comfortable Like his crew cut. I will get one too
Being a half breed is so natural for me I don’t even have to think about it. Half shy, half Bold Half boy, half girl I wonder why guys don’t like me I wonder why girls like me too much My sister tells me I treat men the way they treat girls
OKAY everyone, I’ve got some incredible breaking news: Remember Alanis Morissette’s hit single “You Oughta Know” from 13 years ago? It turns out it was inspired by her break up with Dave Coulier, perhaps better known as Uncle Joey from television’s “Full House.”
What’s that? You already knew about this? Not me, I was living in blissful ignorance and now I am thoroughly disturbed.
"Jagged Little Pill" was the first cassette tape I ever bought and it was a serious revelation. Before that I mostly listened to choice selections from my parents’ music collection (including this gem which apparently really spoke to a young me).
"You Oughta Know" opened up a whole new world of heart break, emotional anguish, and female rage before I had ever really experienced those things myself. So I find it extremely confusing to think about this THIS GUY being the cause of so much pain.
Let’s just get this straight, Alanis. “Every time you scratch your nails down someone else’s back” you hope Dave Coulier feels it? Well, can you feel it, Dave Coulier? CAN YOU? UNCLE JOEEEEEY!!!!???
Eeeergh, I’m gonna go listen to the “Full House” theme song on repeat now.
I went round with this girl @ a theme park (with others(as friends)) I didn't feel it at the time, but after a few days I realised that I have a crush on her. It's been a week now and the pain is getting worse(I've felt depressed all day). I need to know how to deal with the pain, and hopefully how to ask her out.
I am quite shy and the girl I have a crush on is really kind, likes reading and has lots of friends.
Oh gentle Nony, it sounds like you’ve come down with a bad case of the chestbursters.
Your crush sounds like a really great girl (who doesn’t like kindness, books, and friends?). Here’s my advice: Try to stay positive. It’s really hard to be your best, most lovable self when you’re feeling insecure. If you’re kind to yourself it’ll be much easier to show your crush how awesome you are.
Get pumped! Give yourself a pep talk! Start telling her about things you’re interested in (music, books, historical docu-dramas) and ask her lots of questions.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself either. When you place high expectations on a situation you can psych yourself out. Whatever you do, just avoid pulling one of these.
What does it mean if you dream about your crush? And your crush actually hug you?
Excellent question, A-non! Here’s a question for you: What did the hug feel like? As we know, there are many different kinds of hugs and not all of them are good.
Did it feel like this?
Was it very romantic, like this?
But seriously, I think it’s nice to have hugging dreams about your crush (unless it looks anything like the above hugs) but you can’t get too hung up on dreams and fantasies. Talk to your crush! Have fun with them, get to know them! Then maybe you can start hugging up a storm in real life!